the words keep getting in the way
I’m working on a story today, but the words keep getting in the way.
Priscilla readied her lips for the inevitable kiss, as Skyler took
one step closer to her.
Uh-oh. I’ve used the word “lips” three times on this page already.
Better substitute “mouth.”
Priscilla readied her mouth . . .
Now it sounds like she’s flossing her teeth. Okay, let me try something else.
As the inevitable kiss loomed, Priscilla readied herself.
Do kisses loom? And what happened to Skyler? I could swear he was
there a minute ago.
Meanwhile, I’m wondering if I really want my male protagonist to be
named Skyler. The story’s only 1,500 words long, and already I’m sick
of hearing about “Skyler this” and “Skyler that.” Maybe I could just
call him “him.” But if I call him him, then I have to refer to
Priscilla only as “her.” And she doesn’t look just like a “her” in
mind’s eye; she looks like a Priscilla, dammit. A Priscilla who’s
flossing her teeth.
Ugh. I need to take a break.
[ONE BREAK LATER]
As Priscilla readied herself for the inevitable kiss, her lover
[ha! got away without a "Skyler" there] said her name as softly as he
could.
One . . . two . . . three occurrences of “as” in a single sentence.
It may be a world record, but it’s not a record I wish to claim. Now
where’s my old friend “while”?
While Priscilla readied herself for the inevitable kiss, her lover
said her name as softly as he could.
Ah, that’s more like it.
Only I forgot that the whole plot is supposed to hinge on the fact
that he doesn’t know her name. Hmm . . . maybe if he says it
softly enough, it won’t matter.
—
Jeremy Edwards is an erotic fiction author who, on a better day than
this, can actually complete a sentence. Erotica-loving adults are
invited to visit him at .http://www.myspace.com/jerotic
Comments
I don’t think him would work either,but her lover is sexy.*g*
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